Week Six - Day Three - Good/Not so Good News

Duuuuuuuuude.....focus dude.

Howdy friends - a quick check in before work this morning.

Good news - food intake this week has been GREAT so far.

Bad news - I've been sick since Monday morning apparently. It's either a cold or a major allergy attack - regardless - I wake up and can't really breathe out of my nozzles. :) So I've been medicationing up and resting, and hopefully will get back to the gym tomorrow morning. I'm feeling better this morning than yesterday - so that's a hopeful sign.

But regardless, I keep swimming. :)

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Week Six - Day One

This was an awesome moment. I can't wait to repeat it in Anaheim!!!!

No wog this morning - rest day after long run. This week's schedule: T: Wog, W: Weights; Th: Wog; F: Weights; Sa: 6.0 miles; Sun: rest.

Caloric goal each day: No more than 2200.

Well the numbers are in. Talk about a rude awakening. Jeez.

So I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I was at the race. 30 pounds heavier than I was at my lightest. And the measurements speak for themselves.

But I'm not going to let them get me down today - because getting down is the first step to a gas station. In fact, I'm going to stay positive. I'm nowhere near where I USED to be. And I've got a good solid foundation of exercise and a great plan. I will be in Disneyland (see yesterday's post) THINNER (hopefully 10 pounds or more); FITTER (watch those measurements); and FASTER (less than 3:27:51).

I'm going to re-do the measurements EVERY MONDAY morning.

And I'm although I'm staying positive - rest assured - I DO NOT accept those numbers. Those numbers are not me. The real me is inside those numbers clawing to the top to get out.

Don't believe me? Sure. Why should you? Look at the backslide.

Give me a week. One week - and we'll see if I'm headed in the right direction.

That being said - I KNOW I can do this. I've done better before. And I think I've finally got my head screwed on straight. And you guys? You guys are awesome - go back and re-read last week's posts - and see how strong of a community you've formed around each other, and me.

Together guys - we can do anything.

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Week Five - Day Seven - IT'S OFFICIAL

If you look to your right, you'll see that I am now officially registered for the Disneyland Half Marathon this September. I already have a plane ticket and everything. I'll be flying in Friday morning the 4th of September, and flying home Monday night the 7th. Amber will of course be at home, around 7 months pregnant with the bean. But will YOU be there to help celebrate with me?

On the training front, my mapping software misjudged something (or I screwed it up somehow), and my 6 miles this morning ended up being just a hair over 5 miles. Regardless, I did it in about 80 minutes - and with my new shoes - had NO shin pain at all. They're good New Balance shoes, and should break in nicely over the next week. I've already mapped out (carefully) a 6 mile run for next weekend.

Tomorrow we add a new sidebar with weight and measurements to get to the TFF goal (thinner, fitter, faster). Hey if Tigger can say TTFN, I can say TFF. :)

I feel quite good about this morning's success - and am SUPER stoked about Disneyland. Can't wait to see you all. And don't worry - in addition to Team Voice activities, there'll be some sort of AATM meets as well. :)

Also - have I mentioned the Pacific Northwest Mouse Meet lately? You REALLY need to check out their site. www.pnwmousemeet.com - and if you're local, or think you want to come for it - join the website! Trust me - it's gonna rock. Guest speakers galore. *wink wink*

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Week Five - Day Six - A Letter to the Bean

Note: Today I'm starting a new project. A journal of letters to my unborn child. I am going to go buy a nice journal later and write the first letter today. This letter is a precursor. And since this blog is about how I'm feeling more than anything - today won't be about training or weight or running. It's about this.

Dearest Bean,

This is the first time I've written anything for you. This is your father. Dad. Do you call me Dad? Daddy? Who knows? But it's me anyhow. And you - you're the bean. We call you the bean right now because when we found out about you, you were about the size of a lima bean. Now you're about the size of a peanut. You're still inside your mommy's belly. And yesterday - yesterday we heard you for the first time.

I'm going to write you a lot of letters between now and when you're old enough to read them, but I wanted you to have them, so you know how we're feeling all through this experience. The experience of having you. Of bringing you to our family.

Yesterday our doctor (Dr. Zeh, who also thinks you're great, and is likely your Doctor, too) was able to let us hear your heart beating. It was one of the most incredible things I'd ever heard. Although I've known about you for awhile now, it really felt like you were a part of our family - like you were with us - for the first time.

I want you to know a lot of things. But the most important thing to me that you know is that I love you. I love you so much. And I'm going to do everything I know how to keep you safe, happy, healthy, and to let you grow up to be a wonderful person. In fact, I adore you more than I knew was possible. Your mother loves you too.

And for today - I think that's enough. Just relax in there. Grow. Kick. And be loved.

I love you bean.

Dad.

Week Five - Day Five - You've gotta have heart

Okay - let's get two things out of the way before I talk about why there's a heartbeat above me.

1. I want to seriously thank everyone who commented yesterday. Wow. All of you. The support and love you've shown me throughout this continues to amaze me. Here I am - just a dude doing my thing - and you all are being supportive and inspired by me? Wow. I'm humbled. And let me tell you - Maroo - keep the stories coming! They help a TON. And first time posters - wow - THANK YOU. If I'm really inspiring you - TELL ME. KEEP POSTING. It helps more than you know. So. THANK YOU ALL. I'll be adding a few more links to the side of the page this weekend. In fact, this weekend a few MAJOR things are going to change. :)

2. I did as I promised and had a good wog this morning. It didn't have QUITE as much jogging as I wanted, primarily because of that left shin thing (I'm positive it's my shoes at this point, having tried a variety of things, including using non-running shoes on long uphill walks) - but still managed to do 1.51 miles. Feel great.

Now.

Why is today about heart?

First - you've all shown me yours. And wow. What strong people you all are. What amazing strength, love, and soul you have. You should all be proud of yourselves.

Second - today we have a doctor's appointment, and hopefully will hear the little mayhem's heart beating for the very first time.

Can I just say how excited I am for this?!? I can't even begin to explain it. WOW.

From feeling dejected and frustrated yesterday morning - to feeling like I'm on top of the world this morning. I thank you all, Amber, and of course, my little mayhem. :)

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Editor's Note: 4:44pm. WOW. It's really in there. And it's heart is beating. And I adore it. WOW. WOW WOW WOW.

Week Five - Day Four - Frustration

"OK, I guess I am the only one who thought that remark was darn rude and hurtful!! I have watched you go thought this thing from the beginning and I have no doubt that you will reach your goals because you want them. Anyone who has not fought this battle (and I am fighting it now too) has no idea how hard it is everyday! It is not as easy as just saying “I am going to loose weight” because not only do you have to break food habits but also deal with the psychological reason you became overweight and a lot of other demons. Enough with the tough-love, it is time for a little nurturing!!! You can do this Jonathan and I have faith in you! It will be hard but you are strong and will come out on top. You need to accept the fact that there will be hard days and sliding back. Just keep moving forward and believe in yourself. You don’t need to answer to anyone except yourself. You are very lucky that you have Amber to do this with you. Be gentle with yourself, it will happen. And spring WILL come to WA and hopefully it will be more than 2 days!!

Dana"

Dana - thank you - VERY much. I am assuming that you were responding to a comment from yesterday's post, not the words from my banker friend.

I'd planned on addressing this today anyhow.

Let's face it folks - I know when I haven't done things I said I would. And what I constantly try to do is find new ways to succeed, when I feel like a failure. Calling me out on it and telling me what I already know reinforces that failure feeling. Comments like Justin's, Matt's, Rae's, Chris's, Amanda's, etc. - those are helpful - they give me suggestions on what to do next - and I appreciate them and love you for them.

And I'm sorry to call you out, but comments like mgreene's, are just not productive for me.

Now let me be clear - I know that you are commenting from a good place in your heart. You're trying to help. But I'm telling you that you're doing the opposite with your attitude. In fact, it makes me feel like I should just give up because I'm already letting people down, so why not head to the fridge?

Weight is something I've struggled with since I was in junior highschool. If not longer. It's something I know I'll struggle with for a long time to come. And like Dana noted, I have good days, and bad days. This week so far I've had mostly good days. And the more good days I can string together, the more I can accomplish. And the fewer bad days I have, the fewer I'll continue to have. It's about consistency and pushing myself.

And make no mistake, friends. I DO want this - in the worst way. And I have the drive and commitment to get there. And I'm going to finish the RnR Half Marathon, and keep training for DLR (which I'll be registered for by Monday (waiting for payday)) - and finish it faster, fitter, and thinner than WDW. I've put in over 14 and a half miles this month so far, which is more than last month, and will finish at over 20 miles. I'll finish past the rookie team voice challenge this month - and I'm proud of myself for doing that.

But I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling guilty. So I'm making a conscious choice to rejoice in my successes here. And to not be afraid of letting anyone down but myself. So when I post my measurements on Monday (and it will be Monday, not sooner, primarily since I don't have the time to do tapemeasure stuff most work mornings) - I'll acknowledge where they are, and rejoice in the fact that they're not as bad as they were last week. And I'll rejoice in the fact that they're nowhere near as bad as they were two years ago.

Rest assured, friends and bankers. I have no intentions of going backwards. I may have slid back a bit, but that's as far as it goes. Remember the mantra: thinner, fitter, faster.

Please my friends - comment today. Tell me you're with me. All of you. Yes, mgreene, even you.

I know a few things to be true in my life.

1. I have the strength and commitment to do this.

2. I can't do this alone. This team is what got me to the finish line. And I need you all.

3. I won't give up. Ever. Disney people don't give up. Right Rae? We take our lumps, we reassess, we dust off, and we keep moving forward.

And that's what I'll do. And just you wait and see what I can accomplish by September. (And yes, I KNOW that my original goal was to accomplish some of it by June. That's now unrealistic. June is a training run for September. I've altered my goals.) And did I forget to mention that I'm still raising money for Make-A-Wish here? That sponsor letters WILL go out on May 1? The more miles I put in - the more money I raise. Simple.

As for the plan until Monday. Here it is. I'm altering the daily schedule SLIGHTLY to take into account a few things this weekend. Today I've done crunches and pushups towards my Team Voice goals. I'm up to having completed 300 crunches this month and 50 pushups. Tomorrow I hit the gym for a 30 minute wog on the treadmill - one song walking at 3.8-4.0, one song jogging at 5.0-5.3ish. Saturday I rest and go buy my new shoes and some new running gear at New Balance. Sunday morning is an outdoor training session of 6.0 miles.

Foodwise - things have been consistent this week - and I'm keeping it that way. I've taken off the pounds I put on over the weekend in the woods so far. Tomorrow, however, will be challenging. But I already have a plan. We're doing lunch out at the office for a co-workers birthday, and dinner is my birthday celebration (since I was in the woods on my actual birthday) - Chinese food and karaoke. Saturday and Sunday go back to normal so that if I do any damage to the waistline on Friday, I can undo it by Monday. After Friday - there are no more celebrations planned, no more birthdays coming up, no more special occasions coming for some time. So things level off.

And as they do - I'll keep repeating my mantra - and working towards it: thinner, fitter, faster. I can and will do all three things.

See you guys tomorrow after my wog with a mileage update.

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Week Five - Day Three - ...and Tribulations

Ahhh...it's been awhile since I've been in a good trial. And today I'm scheduled to begin one. Not too huge of a trial - no real pressure - just good ol' fashioned fun. I'm excited. I hope we start today - if not - we'll start tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted on the trial front.

So yesterday, my GM comes to me at work and says "I was chatting with our friend at the bank, and she's worried that you'll put your weight back on."

Holy cats! Talk about an extra kick in the pants! Time to get even more serious. I think I'm going to follow someone else's example and put measurements and whatnot on a sidebar here on Monday. That way I can:

a) accurately track body changes (positive ones)

b) come to terms with where I really am

c) have extra motivation to move forward

Like I said yesterday - I know I can do this - and am already on my way.

Besides - those three goals are VERY reachable. It's my new mantra.

Thinner, fitter, faster. It's like I'm the six million dollar man! We can rebuild me! We have the technology!

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Week Five - Day Two

Okay - no I'm not a girl, nor am I Pocahontas. However - this picture to me exhudes strength.

The kind of strength it takes to slide back as far as I have, and still work on turning the ship around.

I did a lot of thinking while in the woods this weekend - and found some inner strength I wasn't sure still existed. But sure enough - it's there, and I'm going to fan that flame into a bonfire inside my heart.

This morning I did a wog at the gym (going to use the treadmill occassionally for speed work - it's easier to increase my speed there). Saturday I'm looking forward to my new shoes, and Sunday a 6.0 mile training session.

If I can keep training, and keep making smart decisions about food (yesterday was GREAT) I know I'll get back to where I was, and beyond. I know that I'll be in Anaheim thinner, fitter, and faster than I was in Orlando. And that's my goal. Three goals for September.

Thinner (under 288 - sadly, still have about 35 pounds to go - but it's not 40 anymore!).

Fitter (lower BP and heart rate).

Faster (better than 3:27:51).

I believe I can do this. I KNOW I CAN. And knowing that more TV'ers will be in Anaheim just makes it sweeter!

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Week Four - Day Five - Happy Day

Thirty One years ago today this picture was taken of a proud father holding his new baby son.

Wow.

Has it been that long? Am I really 31?

I know - 31 is young - but it's also a long time. And I reflect on what I've done, and where I'm going.

Lots to think about today.

But most of all - I want to just say Happy Birthday to myself. And to enjoy my day.

Speaking of having a good birthday - I'm off for my wog.

I'll see you guys Monday after my weekend in the woods. Ya'll be good now.

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Week Four - Day Three - New Balance?

Well I've done some homework - doing my reading - and I think that my shin issue is just basic shinsplints, and as they're not SERIOUS or severe - I think part of the solution is new shoes. I've settled on New Balance. They have a store RIGHT near me, and the assistant manager told me to c'mon in when I was ready (likely NEXT weekend) and he'll fit me properly and everything. PLUS - there's a discount for RnR participants!

Last night Amber and I shared a nice dinner out - an early birthday dinner for me, since I won't be home on Friday. It was QUITE nice just relaxing - no pressures - no stress - no worries about nursery colors, etc.

This morning I woke up and headed to the gym, and did a nice upper body weight workout. My arms and chest are sore, I might add. LOL

And tomorrow another wog. I'm going to try to increase the intensity of my wogs and get the speed up a bit starting tomorrow. This is PRIMARILY to try to kick start my weight loss (I'm a bit stuck - granted - dinner out won't help. LOL) but also to improve my pacing.

But what I know is that if I'm consistent with training and a low-calorie low-fat high-fiber diet, then the weight loss will come. I just have to be patient.

I wish I were patient. LOL

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Week Four - Day One

Today has started well. :) I've survived Easter Dinner with only a FEW too many sweets. And this morning hopped on to the dreadmill at the gym and threw in 1.32 miles in 20 minutes. Not bad if I do say so myself.

I really do feel like I'm hitting a groove with the exercise again - and the food is a little iffy here and there, but it'll come together as the exercise ramps up.

I have found out that if I shift my gait slightly when I get that left shin pain, and aim to hit the ground with the ball of my foot rather than my heel...kind of like STOMPING - the pain subsides. Sounds like either new shoes or a pair of superfeet or something is necessary. Your thoughts?

Did I mention that Friday, when I'll be in the woods all weekend - is my birthday? We're celebrating NEXT Friday with a karaoke night with friends! And my gift?

Not an elaborate cake - but my registration for the DLR Half Marathon!!! That's right - by the end of this month, I'll be registered and have my travel plans ALL set.

Not bad eh?

And on a side note - did you know they make DISNEY paint? Wow...choices choices for the nursery. :)

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Week Three - Day Six

Today I remembered what THIS felt like.

I completed my longest wog since the race itself - 4.0 miles. And about 50% of it was STRAIGHT UP HILL.

But I did it. And I finished with a 15:20 pace. I felt VERY accomplished. I felt good.

It's like I can feel the fuel tank filling back up - and the engines straining to be let go!

Next weekend though, we have a challenge.

I will be away all weekend - Friday THROUGH Sunday - in the woods with my Sunday School 8th grade mentoring program. I mentor and co-facilitate. It limits two things.

1. My food choices. But I usually do okay on these. We have healthy options. We're Unitarian after all. :)

2. My exercise regime. I'll be able to workout M-F and then do what I can on Saturday - depending on where I am and what I have access to. I've never been to the camp/state park we're going to. So it'll depend. :)

But hey - this week I worked out 4 of 5 days. That's my best week yet!

I'm back in the saddle folks!

YAY!

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Week Three - Day Five

Today I'm proud of myself.

I have an early morning courtdate, but instead of skipping my workout, or subbing in something that doesn't count, I got up and went to the gym and did a nice weight workout I'm quite proud this morning.

In fact, I'm proud of myself in general right now.

I've come a long way since late January. I've slid, and climbed back onto the horse, and am working on being again, as Lilo would say "a model citizen".

And given a little more time, you will all be proud of me again too. :)

I promise.

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Week Three - Day Four - Maroo

Today I have an introduction to you all.

But first a quick update - had a good beginning to the day - with an interruption. Something did NOT agree with me yesterday - and as a result, my wog was cut short at .78 miles as I got home FAST and headed to the potty. But I still started, and lately - that's a big accomplishment for me. Tomorrow - weights at the gym and Saturday - 4.0 miles.

Now for the intro.

I'd like you all to say hi today to Maroo. Just say hi here in the comments, because she doesn't have a blog yet. Or say hi on the Team Voice forums, as she's said she'll be posting over there.

Maroo e-mailed me earlier this week with a tale of inspiration and a request to join Team Voice. She'll be running in 2010 with TnT, but wants to be a Team Voicer too. And TRUST ME - she has what it takes.

Maroo has some amazing stories that are touching, inspirational, and motivational. Her e-mail hit my inbox at the exact right moment.

And so I'm thanking her today - and welcoming her to the team. She posted a comment yesterday, but I'd encourage you all to say hi to her, and support her.

Welcome aboard Maroo. :)

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Week Three - Day Two - Anger

Today I feel as if I've turned a symbolic corner in my re-training. And that's what this is - re-training.

Yesterday I was angry. VERY angry. I found myself in a few situations I did not ever expect to find myself in again. And they made me realize just how far I'd slipped.

I walked up a three flight staircase. And was WINDED at the top. Gasping, in fact.

And I had flashes forward to my fifties and sixties, and my wife and child sitting at my hospital bedside. Just like with my father.

I know I'm not destined to become him. But the risk factors on my sides are bad enough. I'd made super progress, and have been casually letting it slip away. Not all of it - but I'd gotten complacent at best, and lazy at worst.

And last night I stood in my kitchen and got angry about it. I growled.

But then I harnessed the anger. I grabbed it and willed it into forward momentum. And I got up this morning and moved. Another 1.39 miles, in fact. A nice short 25 minute workout. But built up a sweat, and started the day right.

And as I walked/jogged, I felt pain in my shin. I felt the wind in my hair. I coughed and sputtered. But I felt good. Productive. It felt like something had changed.

Now let's work together to capitalize on it! No tough love today folks - words of encouragement. Today I'm not angry. Today I'm hopeful. Today I'm motivated. Today I feel like the guy who woke up on January 10th and said "let's do this thing!"

And that guy ain't going anywhere.

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Week Two - Day Seven - Control

I threw in my 3.0 miler this morning (actually 3.01, but who's counting? Oh right! I am!) and feel great about it! Today's gonna be a good day all around, and hopefully I'll have good news on the numbers front tomorrow morning. Or at least not BAD news. LOL

Now - on to today's topic. I have a confession.

I had a total freak out yesterday.

We were looking online at crib options, and I realized I knew nothing about cribs, and what was good and safe, and how to put them together, and then - within MOMENTS my mind was reeling about how we would afford college, and whether or not I'd be a good father at all, and what to do the first time it comes home from school crying - and everything in between.

Not sure why - but it happened.

Amber calmed me down, and we went to Babies R Us and learned about cribs. She also told me that the rest of that stuff are things we can't really anticipate. All we can do is try to prepare for them, but can't control them.

That word control jammed in my craw and the rest of the day I was trying really hard to make some sort of cognitive leap. And I finally made it around half-way home.

I hate feeling like I can't control what's going on. And I feel stupid when I can't. And I'm new at this daddy thing. So I feel inept. And as a result, stupid, and sometimes, even do self-destructive things (see donuts, supra).

But then I realized that what I needed to do was take control of what I can - which is working on being a healthy well rounded daddy. One who doesn't have back problems, or heart problems, or high blood pressure. One who works out regularly, not to buff up or be the fastest, but to be a healthy daddy who sometimes puts on bright yellow shirts and runs through Disney parks.

And realizing that I could control that somehow made the crib thing - more bearable.

I'll learn the rest as I go. I might freak from time to time. But I'll learn. And I'll be good at it. Because I love my baby already. And I love it SO much. I love it enough to love me and go out and do 3.01 miles this morning. And keep counting calories. And keep moving forward.

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Week Two - Day Five - SNOW?!

I am SO tired of Pacific Northwest weather.

This morning as I got up getting ready to go outside for my workout - it was SNOWING like crazy. Yes. SNOW.

Ugh.

Tomorrow I put in 3.0 miles for my training plan, which this week has been hit and miss. But as I take it one day at a time, I learn, I cope, and I GET BACK ON TRACK. The reality is - I've done this before. I CAN and will do this again.

See - I've shown Donald, and the entire team what I'm capable of. And I just have to find that spirit again. I have to believe in myself again. And I do. Deep down. And I'm digging to find that heart again.

I've been disheartened by the last two months. My laziness. My lack of progress. My backslides.

But April has ALWAYS been my favorite month. And I'm going to show you all why!

Oh yeah - and I have a NEW at-home cardio fun workout game. I've used it before, and it's been GREAT as a workout supplement. We now own the newest Dance Dance Revolution game - "Disney Groove!" How cool is that? Played last night - wow - great game!

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Week Two - Day Three - The Importance of Today

Okay - there's nothing SUPER important about TODAY, as such, except that it's TODAY. See - what I've come to learn is that I do a lot of talking about TOMORROW and the next day. But doing that gives me the permission to forget about today. So from now on we're going to FOCUS on Today. Tomorrow is okay too (since in a buncha tomorrows I'll be in Disneyland with you guys) - but Today is where the action is.

For instance. Today I start counting mileage to raise more money for the Dream Team.

Today I put 1.51 miles into the hopper. And that makes me happy.

Today I'll stick to my eating plan, and work on losing more of that 40.

Today I'm going to have a GREAT DAY.

Oh yeah - and always let your conscience be your guide!

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